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I’ve identified the intense physical pain.

 

I feel it coming from my elbows, an electrical charge shooting down my forearms to the tips of my fingers.

 

My inner child screams, “Get it out! Get it out!” And yet, his screams are muffled under my adult curiosity.

 

I want to investigate. Understand what it is. Figure out what it means.

 

In the past, I’ve let him take control.

 

I will admit, running from these uncomfortable sensations to get them to stop is so much easier. I mean why would anyone subject themselves to physical pain?

 

I lie in bed trying to comfort my terrified little child. “We know what we need to do to help release this. Let’s try and figure out how to explain what is going on within us first.”

 

“Who cares! It hurts. Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!” Then under his breath, “it’s her fault.”

 

How do I say this gently without getting Little Phoenix so upset he takes over? He always blames her.

 

“The actions are the trigger. It’s nobody’s fault. We need to figure out what’s going on in our body so we can better manage this trigger.”

 

“I don’t know. And I don’t care. I just want it to stop!” Little Phoenix is pleading with me, begging me to do anything to stop this ache.

 

“We will,” I comfort. “Until we know more. Let’s be a scientist and experiment.”

 

“NOOOO!!” my little boy is getting ready to throw a tantrum.

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My former spouse reminded me of a remark I had made about her almost ten years ago. This was one of many damaging comments I made about my wife while we were married.

 

It’s important to realize that when we’re not mindful, words can become daggers that cut into the souls of someone else’s heart. Once we vocalize our faulty thoughts, we can never take them back. We leave shotgun sized holes in a person’s psyche that may never heal.

 

And sometimes, that person is us.

 

These stories become the poison that kills the inner child.

 

These injuries are brought into interactions with family and friends. They’re carried into relationships. They are passed down to children.

 

This cycle of pain continues from generation to generation, from person to person. People suffer. Society suffers.

 

There is a solution. It takes persistence. It takes time. It takes courage.

 

We may uncover parts of ourselves we don’t wanted to face. It may even mean we have to change.

 

Sometimes we must step into the dark to appreciate the light; experience the winter storms to cherish the summer.

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I’ve noticed that it’s been hard to stay in the present these past couple of days. I’ve been thinking about my past talk with Rafiki. I’ve been rereading my blogs (including the many that I’ve yet to post).

 

My mind keeps going back to the fear about my former spouse’s response when she reads some of my past stories.

 

I struggle with the thought that my writing was wrong, that it was a mistake.

 

Ok, not the actual writing. That has been healing for me.

 

I’m struggling that it was a mistake to publish it for the world to see. That I aired my dirty laundry at the expense of my former spouse; without her consent.

 

I want to call Rafiki, but I’m a bit humbled by our last conversation. I don’t really want to go there today. I need to process some of this on my own.

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