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Continued from Why Do I Still Continue to Struggle

January 2, 2019

 

I stand once again staring out the window watching an airplane push back. This time, it’s not my wife that’s leaving. This time, it’s not me remembering when my sister used to leave.

 

This time, I’m watching my daughter leave.

 

I feel numb. I feel like a soggy towel that someone has just wrung out.

 

I’m tired with lack of sleep. And in my weakness the Knight of Shame swings his sword. I barely have time to ward him off as I weakly lift my shield. I’m knocked to the ground.

 

Why are you feeling this way?

 

Come on Phoenix! You have so much to be grateful for.

 

Really, you’re going to wallow in this tornado of sadness once again?

 

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I’m grateful for the professional mental health conference I attended at the beginning of the week. I’m so glad I decided to go, even though I wasn’t supported by either my company or my union. Two years ago I attended a conference, which led me to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics); where I learned that it was normal for my emotional pain to be felt in my physical body. For the first time, I realized I was not crazy. This was what led me to step outside of myself, my blog, and helped me heal.

 

The conference I just attended will allow me to reach out to others who are suffering in my career; to give them courage, strength, and hope as they battle the demons that plague them. I can be their beacon of light when all they see is darkness. I’ve been down that road and I know the importance of having someone to cling onto, to keep from drowning in the abyss. I too, want to give back what was given to me so selflessly.

 

I’m grateful for morning coffee and breakfast with my wife, having my daughter finish the chores she had agreed to do, followed by an hour conversation with her on an elliptical at the gym and then teaching her how to lift weights. I’m grateful my daughter showed me the ab routine she does in dance class (that pretty much kicked my ass). And I’m grateful we didn’t get caught as I pressed her weight on the leg press machine (she was much lighter than I expected and I almost threw her off).

 

I’m grateful both my girls and I helped out with Challenge Air, a Fly Day event that was “created to change the perception of children with special needs through the gift flight. By eliminating the belief that they are limited, the children can grow to their full potential. They are given the opportunity to find courage within themselves and build in areas where they lack self-esteem. Challenge Air provides an unforgettable growing experience that opens the door to possibilities while allowing the children to see if they can fly a plane they can do anything.”

 

I’m grateful the rain held out for the event, that we were able to make it on our flights to and from the event with no issues, and that the three of us had the opportunity to fly a small twin-engine plane. I believe it’s time to start teaching my oldest how to fly.

 

I’m extremely grateful my blog has led to continual healing, new adventures, and the opportunity to change and help the lives of others. I’m looking forward to next year where I hope I can have the time to continue to expand my vision to help others Rise up from the Ashes and to F.L.Y. with the Eagles!

 

The sky is the limit!

The other morning, I received a text from my wife, “It may not be what you fully want, but you have a pretty damn good lifestyle.”

 

While she was struggling to get our oldest daughter, who blatantly refused to go to school, out of her house, I was at the gym prior to my dental appointment and meeting up with her and a consultant to discuss separation of assets.

 

My first thought was, “The lifestyle I would like to have is to come home to you and our girls, spend an hour with you before heading to bed, wake up and enjoy a cup of coffee with you, then do what I can to help you out in the morning while you have ‘you time’ because you busted your ass this week once again being a single parent with a full-time job. This morning I’d rather have your lifestyle struggling with getting our girls to school rather than going to the gym at 6:30 in the morning to distract me from the lack of sleep I got the previous night knowing we were going to discuss the next step to finalize our divorce.” (No, I did not say this out loud – I’ve gotten better with boundaries and not vomiting my initial thoughts.)

 

Perspective

 

We have the tendency to see the world from the negative aspects in our own personal lives, while sensationalizing the positive aspects of everyone else’s.

 

For some reason, the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence.

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