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Continued from Why Do I Still Continue to Struggle

January 2, 2019

 

I stand once again staring out the window watching an airplane push back. This time, it’s not my wife that’s leaving. This time, it’s not me remembering when my sister used to leave.

 

This time, I’m watching my daughter leave.

 

I feel numb. I feel like a soggy towel that someone has just wrung out.

 

I’m tired with lack of sleep. And in my weakness the Knight of Shame swings his sword. I barely have time to ward him off as I weakly lift my shield. I’m knocked to the ground.

 

Why are you feeling this way?

 

Come on Phoenix! You have so much to be grateful for.

 

Really, you’re going to wallow in this tornado of sadness once again?

 

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This was one crazy, wild, and fun week! It was the ending of an era; 18 years of moving from one airline for the next destination at another. Sadness as I leave a piece of my heart behind and move away from many coworkers who are family to me. Yet excitement at the prospects that lie ahead and the new family I’m joining. I pray that my schedule will finally open up so I no longer have to commute and will spend the time in my own bed that I used to spend out on the road. I pray I will have the time with my family I have longed to have.

 

This week has been a hurricane of emotions; love, happiness, loss, grief, excitement, and fear. A lot to process. I’m grateful that my journey of recovery has allowed me the ability to stay present with it all.

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I was proof reading a blog I had written March 2017, I Double Dog Dare You: Make Vows to Yourself to finally post on my site. I mean, it’s only been a year and a half since I wrote it.

 

As I was reviewing and editing, I was impressed with one of the vows I had written:

 

I promise not to view my imperfections as character flaws, but as inclusions that make up the radiant diamond that is me.

 

This reminded me of the engagement ring I had gotten my wife. My journey of searching for the “perfect” Marquise diamond led me to meet a older gentleman in the heart of San Francisco. He made it clear on the phone that he did not deal with the general public, only with jewelers.

 

Yet, he was was also quite confused and surprised as to how I found his business phone number (you have to remember, this was when the internet was in it’s infancy). He at first dismissed my call, then, realizing the amount of research I had done looking for a ring (I used all the right buzzwords to “sound” like a professional), he brought me under his wing.

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