The last few days I’ve reviewed and posted blogs I wrote eight months ago. These blogs helped me process the EMDR work I did surrounding my early childhood trauma. Rafiki not only challenged me, but gave me homework. What’s up with that? I think I give myself enough homework as it is.

In Part One of To Find Connection, I Must Remove the Poison, I explain what EMDR is, how it works, and identify my deep core issues that I needed to work on. In Part Two, I discuss what I learned during a course about Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families that gave me more detail about the issues I’m addressing with my EMDR work. And in Part Three, I discuss my first EMDR session.

As I was looking forward to the other entries I wrote at the end of February, I realize that I really don’t want to go any farther. I like where I am after my first EMDR session. I mean, I like how I finished Part Four of my series. But, I don’t want to recall my second session with my EMDR therapist and the subsequent four blogs I wrote around that sitting.

I mean seriously, can we just skip that one week of my life and forget the second session? Let’s just talk about the third session and call it quits, ok?

I take a deep breath, sigh, and pick up the phone. I’m not looking forward to this conversation.

Rafiki

 

“Good morning my favorite baboon,” I try to act cheerful.

 

“With an opening like that, I know there’s something you need to talk about,” Rafiki responds. “What’s going on?”

 

“On a good note, I’m doing my homework like you suggested. And, after re-reading my last three blogs, I see how the first session of EMDR helped ground me.” I sigh deeply.

 

“And?” Rafiki urges. I notice no affirmation or validation of the work I had already done. I think he knew all along where he was taking me with this assignment.

 

“Well, I started looking at the next writing I did, and let’s just say, I don’t want to go back there.”

 

“Hmmm…” Rafiki’s quiet. Why does that silence create anxiety? After a few seconds he continues, “Let me see if I heard you correctly. You don’t mind looking at the past when there’s healing involved, but when you must look at the past that has pain, you’d rather run from it?”

 

“That’s not what I said,” I protest.

 

“If you cannot face your past, then you’re running from it. If you’re running from your past, you have unresolved issues. If you want to stop running, you must face that pain.”

“Yeah, I knew you were going to say something like that,” I groan.

 

“Phoenix, you’ve come so far. You’re nowhere near where you were a year ago. But you still have some things you need to address.”

 

“Yes, but…”

 

Rafiki cuts me off, “No excuses. There’s a reason why I sent you back.” See, told you!

 

I try to explain, “That first week I was so grounded, so free. And then my second session, I fell off the deep end once again. So much processing and pain.”

 

“Don’t focus on the pain,” Rafiki encourages.

 

“But you want me to go back there,” I whine.

 

“No. I asked you to look at your past story as an observer, not a participant. You’ve quickly put yourself into being a participant in your story once again. By doing so, yes you will feel the pain as if it was yesterday.”

 

I stare at the wall lost in my own thoughts, barely listening.

 

“Your second session wasn’t what you expected. However, the following week, on your third session, the sky cleared for you. That’s the full story during this period of your life. Don’t spend your time and energy focusing on the minute details of just a section in that timeline.”

 

“It’s hard not to do that,” I mumble.

 

“That’s because you still have some things you need to do. And, you’ve done everything you can to avoid what Little Phoenix needs to do to truly heal. You’ve come a long way, and yet, in some respects, you’re still stuck.”

 

Why does hearing that frustrate me? Perfectionist piece?

 

“You can hide behind your fortress for protection or you can open your gates and embrace the beauty of life. Don’t be afraid to look at and address your pain. Be afraid when you continue to run from it.”

More Homework

I will continue to look at the writing I did at the end of February. I realize this will bring up some hard memories. I never claimed that healing from childhood trauma and divorce was easy, just that there can be a rebirth on the other side.

Through pain there’s healing and through healing there’s growth.

Though the fire may burn, you can rise to fly once again.

Together We Can Heal