(started January 17, 2018)
(finished May 8, 2018)
January 17, 2018
It’s been really hard for me to get the motivation to write lately. Having my Grateful Sunday blogs, my Motivational Monday blogs, and my Wednesday Share Day blogs have kept things current on my website, but I haven’t continued on my own personal journey of self-reflection.
I kind of just stopped.
I don’t want to hear what I’m going tell myself.
Even though I’ve been doing well with self-care, I’ve realized that I’ve been avoiding writing from an observer perspective. I’ve also noticed that I’ve struggled being honest with Rafiki (both my friend and my own internal voice).
In a way, I’ve sorta went back into my story.
Today, it’s time to stop resisting and find out what it is I’m avoiding. Although, I think I already know the answer .
Yes, there’s been struggles these past couple of months. Yes, I’ve responded differently than I used to.
I’m so grateful to have a solid program of recovery and that I know what I need to do to keep myself grounded.
However, there’s a piece of me that feels as if I’m not living my life with integrity. I talk about my wife as a former spouse, my ex. And yet, we aren’t divorced.
She doesn’t want to work on the marriage, but she isn’t in a rush to finalize the divorce either. Since I don’t want the divorce, I’m not pushing to get it done.
As I’m preparing our joint taxes, it feels as if I’m living a lie. No wonder my younger daughter gets so angry at the two of us, “You two are divorced and yet you act like you aren’t.”
It’s tough when my wife is still my closest friend. It’s tough when she only wants a friendship without commitment.
I no longer hold anger or resentment over her choices. Let me tell you, that is a beautiful feeling! Such peace.
I understand her. I have compassion and empathy for her. I’m grateful we still have a friendship after all we’ve been through. But it’s still difficult when I believe that her needs are being met and mine aren’t.
Wait. Let me explain that differently.
I’m not being true to myself because I want something in our relationship that she is unwilling to give.
I’m sacrificing a piece of myself by holding on and hoping that we can rebuild our relationship. And even though a part of me remains lost, I still find it hard not to hold on.
I’ve read and listened to so many different materials about relationships and marriage. And the one thing I fall back to is that the foundation of a successful marriage is friendship.
We have an incredible friendship! It’s that friendship that I hold on to. It’s that belief that our marriage can burn and rise from the ashes.
Ok, once again let me rephrase.
I choose to believe we can rebuild what once was.
It’s my choice that keeps me holding on. It’s me not accepting that our relationship has changed.
Rene Descartes said in the 1600’s, “Cogito ergo sum”.
“I think, therefore I am.”
We create that which we believe.
I enjoyed listening to singer and song writer, Jewel , in a meditation podcast. She explained that she used journaling and song writing as a way to change her perception about her experiences, a way to heal from the pain of the past.
“If you can perceive you’re sad or something other than sad, you are the observer of sad. If you can perceive you’re in pain or something other than pain, you are the observer of yourself in pain.
“And that creates some distance between you and the experience you’re having.
“When you’re meditating or you’re mindful, it’s not that the painful feeling will disappear, it’s that you gain a little bit of perspective, a little bit of distance between you as the observer and what is.
“And that gap is an incredible relief.
Here’s an analogy. If our body is a car, the brain is actually not the driver, it’s actually the steering wheel. And when you’re mindful, you put yourself behind the steering wheel. You become the driver of your life.”
This is why I need to write, instead of resisting my blogging. This is why I need to keep figuring out what is going on with me. I’m stuck in the same world hoping things will change.
I need to become mindful, so I can get behind the steering wheel and become the driver of my life.
I’ve been extremely busy these last couple of months due to the holidays, more expectations at work, and for once, taking a break from the constant working on me. I am learning to live life once again.
I realize I’m making excuses. Not the excuses to live life, but excuses to keep moving forward in my healing.
For the past two and a half years, I’ve been doing everything in my power to grow and change. Reading self-help books, listening to podcasts, journaling, meditating, tapping, workbook after workbook, etc.
The list goes on.
I mean, I think back to my daily schedule I had over a year ago. My personal recovery work was, at minimum, 2-3 hours per day. Then I started blogging. The personal work switched from a strict daily routine to sitting and writing for hours at a time.
My goal…to stop the pain!
What did I learn?
That I needed to embrace the pain to learn what it was trying to teach me.
These past couple of months I’ve been taking myself out on dates to the movies (love the $9.95 a month MoviePass), reading novels once again, watching TV shows, getting back into the gym, spending time with friends and co-workers, and learning to shut off the electronics so I’m present in the world.
I’ve had more joy than I’ve had in a long time. I’ve learned to love me and enjoy my time with myself.
I’m also finally not waking up in the middle of the night. Oh man! It’s so nice to sleep soundly with a calm mind.
And yet, I keep avoiding my blogs.
Growth is one baby step at a time.
I must be careful not to fall back into old thought patterns. Especially shaming myself because I’m not doing something “correctly”.
And even though I’ve been enjoying my time, I still battle the emotions of shame, guilt, sorrow, and sadness.
When I’m feeling shame and guilt, my thought pattern is, “I did it again.”
When I’m feeling sadness and sorrow, I’m allowing hope to creep in.
Jewel explained that when she felt anxiety and worry, she focused on those negative thoughts. By focusing on those negative thoughts, only creates more anxiety and worry.
For example, she would think, “I don’t know what I am doing.”
To change the thought would be to say the opposite. “I know what I am doing.” But that felt like a lie. She could feel the lie within her body.
When she changed her wording to, “I’m capable of learning what I need to do,” it allowed her body to relax.
When we speak the truth, we can overcome anything.
I am capable of letting go of my marriage.
Jewel also discussed the difference between journaling and staying in the muck vs. writing and feeling like you are on the outside looking down. YAY! I’m not the only one who has found writing like this healing.
She suggests simple phrases you can use:
“I noticed today that…”
“It made me feel like…”
“It’s interesting how…”
“I wonder why my Dad behaved x…”
“I wonder why I got angry, perhaps it’s x…”
Forcing yourself to use sentence structure that uses curiosity, helps you become an observer to your story.
You will start to find yourself. You will see patterns. This can help you rise from the ashes of your pain.
It’s interesting how…I don’t want to blog because I don’t want to hear what I will tell myself.
I have noticed…that I keep saying the same thing to myself; I don’t want to let go of my marriage.
It was pointed out to me…that it’s not that I can’t let go of my marriage, it’s that I won’t let go of my marriage.
And here I am, back to once again blogging, that Resistance is Futile.
May 6, 2018
When I first started to blog, I wanted to explain what I was struggling with. This was so I could help others learn that they weren’t alone in their struggles. What I never expected was that through blogging, I would have an inner transformation.
In fact, over a year ago, I realized that my inner transformation was really a Spiritual Awakening. This is the spiritual awakening they talk about in the 12 steps. I wrote about that in a blog that I still need to share with all of you too.
I’m so excited! So much to share! I’m getting my mojo back. Yeah, baby!
My writing taught me how to step outside my story and became an observer to what was happening in my life.
I was no longer stuck in my story. I saw the patterns I was blind to. I was challenged to the core of my being to accept my part in my own story. And I learned how to slow the negative thought patterns that were destroying me.
I learned how to love me.
I don’t sit in pain like I used to do. I don’t dwell on things to the extent I used to. I don’t beat myself over the things I did in the past. I’m not future tripping. I’m grounded and happy.
The only thing is, I look back a year ago and I see how I had started to let go of my marriage. I started accepting my divorce. I was still angry. I was still hurt. And through the process of forgiveness and prayer, I have found peace.
But that peace brought back hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, things will work out. And that hope has gotten me stuck once again.
Resistance is Futile
When I started this particular piece, I knew what I needed to do. I knew where I needed to go. However, I still resisted. I mean, look, it’s now getting published four months later.
Resistance is futile.
I once again went back to my comfort zone. I allowed fear of the unknown and contentment of what I knew to keep me locked in denial and hope.
Rafiki told me, “That which one resists, persists.”
I fantasized what could be, what I wanted my life to be. I kept saying to myself, “just give it a little more time and things will change. I know they will. We can go back to the way it was. Or better yet, we can rebuild from the ground up with the knowledge we now have.”
Isaac Einstein stated, “The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing again and again, expecting different results.”
I was still acting insane. I was still doing the same things again. And I kept expecting different results.
Resistance is futile.
My friends and co-workers would advise me to finalize the divorce. That I had to let it die. “You need to see the body. The body is dead. You need to see the dead body so you can grieve and move on with your life.”
And yet I still refused to look at the dead body. Maybe I could just will it to come back to life?
Resistance is futile
My therapist told me a couple weeks ago, “What I love about the universe, is that it keeps repeating itself until you’re ready to listen.”
I’m trying to listen. I must admit the try part, because I still a struggle. And yet, I know what I need to do.
I have finally found peace with my decision.
I am ready to finalize my divorce.
I’m ready, and yet the disbelief that it’s actually going to happen and that I will finally take a leap into the unknown, scares the crap out of me.
Resistance is futile
Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone
I received an email yesterday that included 50 quotes about stepping outside your comfort zone. As I read many of these sayings, I realized that’s what I’m doing. I needed to write about taking that leap. I need to take that leap.
And when started to write, I found, that I had already started to take this leap. I had already written about how futile it is to resist what will happen.
This exact blog I started in January!
And then….I also wrote about it in October, seven months ago. Resistance was when Rafiki told me, “you could hide behind your fortress for protection or you can open your gates and embrace the beauty of life.”
I even talked about finding the courage to step outside my comfort zone in my Wednesday Share Day two months ago. I wrote:
A year and a half ago, I leapt off the ledge. I thought I was going to fall and smash into the ground. Instead, I rose up from the ashes and learned how to fly. I soared higher than I ever imagined.
What’s holding you back? What’s your greatest fear? Take a leap of faith.
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
The universe has been repeating herself.
What is my greatest fear? My greatest fear is my divorce. That feels incredibly uncomfortable.
Neale Donald Walsch is the one who coined the phrase, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
“I find comfort in my discomfort. ‘I’m not really sure‘ means I’m absolutely sure. It means that the highest part of myself is speaking to me in a way that vibrates through every cell in my body. What I used to call discomfort, I now call a signal from the divine. Move into that, not away from it.“
– Neale Donald Walsch
When we started our divorce, I stepped outside my comfort zone.
When I moved out of the house, I stepped outside my comfort zone.
Digging deep into my emotional issues to heal my childhood trauma and the faulty believes that kept me trapped in my own suffering, I stepped outside my comfort zone.
And yet, when it comes to my divorce, I stand at the edge of the cliff ready to jump. I count to three, but I can’t seem to get my legs to propel me over the side into the water below.
I count to three again, but fear keeps me rooted to the safety of the ground.
The universe, my Higher Power, God keeps on repeating the same message. Every blog I have written was to learn how to let go and yet, I still held on. Once I start moving forward, I choose to slip back…into comfort.
Last week I came to the decision: It’ Time.
It’s time to finalize the divorce.
It’s time to take a leap into the unknown.
It’s time to take more steps towards growth.
It’s time to “move into rather than away from my discomfort” so “I don’t lock myself out from my place of joy.”
I must hold onto faith. Faith that my Higher Power will guide me. Faith there’s something absolutely beautiful, amazing, and wonderful on the other side. Faith that by pushing the edge of my comfort zone, I will find that life will not end, but that my life is only just beginning.
When have you stepped outside your comfort zone? I’d love to hear your stories. Stories about overcoming the fear of the unknown and finding out that when you faced those fears, you really started to live.
May we all Rise from the Ashes and F.L.Y. with Eagles.
Together We Can Heal