(written March 10, 2017)

 

We are taught that the ultimate goal in life when we grow up is to find that one special love. This is the message society gives us; to find the “happily ever after.”

 

We date various people. We’re on a mission. We need to find someone to complete us. I mean, wasn’t this the catch phrase in Jerry Maguire?

 

What if, instead, we put that much energy into loving ourselves?

 

What if, we stopped searching for the “one” and we decided to look inward and realize that we’ve already found the one?

 

What if, as Lisa Nichols says, instead of finding someone to complete us, we found someone to “celebrate our completeness”?

 

What if we decided to marry ourselves?

 

 

Why Not Just Marry Yourself?

I have a good friend who did just that.

 

Her father had threatened to not pay for her wedding if she wasn’t married by age 30. At 29, rapidly approaching the deadline her father had given her, and with no prospects in sight, how could she fulfill her father’s wishes and, at the same time, not pass up the opportunity to get her father to pay for a party?

 

She decided to do something completely non-traditional and said, “I will marry me!”

 

It’s important to understand the inner strength my friend had. Right out of High School she decided to take a two week trip to Europe. This ended into a solo year and a half trip around the world.

 

Another time, she and two friends sailed a 40 foot sailboat from Hawaii to Los Angeles, the trip taking 30 days. And, she became my good friend because learning to fly was on her bucket list; as her flight instructor, I had the absolute honor of helping her achieve that dream.

 

Full of adventure, not afraid to meet new people, my friend has an inner confidence that draws people towards her. She’s a roll model of what we all need to aspire to be.

 

My friend also had a group of female friends that would get together once a month for a day or night out on the town. They called themselves the Glamour Girls. They would dress up in full ball room gowns and go on various adventures. Maybe a picnic in the park, a museum, or a walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.

 

They dressed up to remind each other that they were women, that they were beautiful, that they were loved, allowing them to walk around with the poise and self-assurance that they were respected by the men and women they encountered.

 

These Glamour Girls were my friend’s bridesmaids at her wedding.

 

 

The Ceremony

 

My friend, with her father’s blessing, went all out for the solo wedding. No detail was left unattended. Her family and guests leaped at the opportunity to join in the fun, everyone dressing up in different exotic costumes to celebrate her big day.

 

When the ceremony started, my friend walked down the aisle with, if I remember correctly, twenty or so Glamour Girls, performing the Chorus Line routine to “One.” We all cheered her on as we joined in singing with the wedding party.

 

One

-Chorus Line (Finale)

 

Afterwards, I had one of the most powerful experiences in my life; I learned the importance of putting oneself first. Unfortunately, it would take another 17+ years for me to actually apply this lesson.

 

My friend’s wedding was a self-love event in the making.

 

On this day, my friend, really did F.L.Y.

 

One of the Glamour Girls pulled out a full length mirror and held it in front of my friend. She turned and faced herself in the mirror staring into her own eyes. As she and her reflection stood together at the altar, she repeated her marriage vows to herself.

 

 

The Wedding Vows

Officiant:

< Insert name >, it is your intention on this < insert date > to make a lifetime commitment to yourself and all the world to bear witness to this event?

 

You:

It is.

 

Officiant:

A relationship is a many-textured thing.  In it, both magic and sorrow will befall you. You will intend one thing and end up doing another.  You will imagine yourself to be a certain way and discover that you are not that way at all.  You will have clashes and discover things that you did and did not want to know about yourself.   A relationship has many surprises and there is great joy to be found in such a journey.  Do you choose, and happily, in our midst to make these promises to yourself?

 

You:

I do.

 

Officiant:

Do you, <insert name>, choose you, yourself, in the presence of this community to be yourself from this day forward?

 

You:

I do.

 

Officiant:

To love yourself, as best you can, and to be a comfort and safe place for your sweet spirit to live?

 

You:

I do

 

Officiant:

To listen to yourself deeply when you are sad or angry, to learn compassion for yourself and nourish yourself with gentleness and uphold yourself with strength?

 

You:

I do.

 

Officiant:

To love your body as it ages, take care of yourself both in body and in mind, to weigh the effects of the words you speak and the things you do, to never take yourself for granted but always give thanks for your presence?

 

You:

I do.

 

Officiant:

To honor the uniqueness of your spirit, and cherish your family and friends whose love and support helped bring you here today and help shape you into the person you are?

 

You:

I do

 

Officiant:

To encourage yourself, believe in yourself, to be patient and kind, celebrate your victories, rejoice in your achievements, give care and comfort, wisdom and truth and to always be a good friend to yourself?

 

You:

I do

 

Officiant:

Now that you have heard <insert name> recite his/her vows, do you, her family and friends, promise, from this day forward to encourage her, help her, love her, and give her guidance and support her in being steadfast in the promises she has made to herself?

 

Everyone:

WE DO!!!

 

Officiant:

Congratulations <insert name>! With this renewed love… go forth and may the sun shine upon you, may the moon move the tide of your emotions with every grace and magic, may your heart sing and your every blessed day be filled with joy!

 

 

The Door Opens

My friend married herself almost 18 years ago. The best part of this story was that she met this guy a couple of months before her wedding. Her boyfriend was amongst the guests who celebrated the promises she made to herself. A year later, they were married (yes, Dad paid for that wedding too, although, I think her and her husband also helped a little bit).

 

My friend now had a life partner to celebrate her completeness, not a partner that’s burdened with the expectation of giving validation and love to make someone feel complete.

 

Here’s the lesson my Fledglings:

 

We need to put ourselves first. We need to love ourselves in order to give love to others. We need to fully love ourselves so we’re able to receive the love we long for.

 

When we let go and learn to love ourselves, we open the door to miraculous opportunities.

 

When we let go and learn to love ourselves, we open the door to miraculous opportunities. Click To Tweet

 

You don’t need to profess your self-love in front of your family and friends like my friend did. However, you do need to shower yourself with love. What a gift for your inner child. What a gift to model this self-care for others.

 

I urge all my Fledglings to stand in front of a mirror daily. Look into your own eyes. And repeat vows to yourself.

 

Here are other promises that may appeal to you.

 

  • I promise to comfort myself during times of difficulty, depression, and despair.
  • I promise to never turn my back on myself.
  • I promise to have passion with everything I do.
  • I promise to keep negativity out of my life.
  • I promise not to view my imperfections as character flaws, but as inclusions that make up the radiant diamond that is me.
  • I promise to be honest to myself.
  • I promise to love myself more every day for the rest of my life.
  • I promise to listen to my intuition and to learn to trust its guidance more and more everyday.
  • I promise to be a better person than I was yesterday.
  • I promise to forgive myself for the past, but not relive its mistakes.
  • I promise to not let my past hold me back from my future.
  • I promise to accept that I can make serious mistakes and be downright human.
  • I promise to kick my own ass when I need it and not expect others do it for me.
  • I promise that I will honor myself and never, ever, settle for less than my heart and soul desire.
  • I promise to accept that I am totally responsible for my own happiness.

 

This list can be what ever you’d like it to be. Please share, in the comments below, promises that are important to you so others may also feel free to use them for their daily ritual of self-love.

 

Remember, when you love yourself, life is beautiful.

 

Mirror Dance

– J.T. & Robert

 

 

Love yourself and your life will bring blessings beyond your wildest imaginations.

 

The Person You Really Need to Marry

– Tracy McMillan

 

Love yourself so you can Rise from the Ashes and Soar with the Eagles!

 

Let’s all F.L.Y. together.

 

Together We Can Heal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nov 2018

PS: I found it interesting that I wrote this piece March 2017 and later that year a bunch of articles were written about Sologamy, “a marriage by a person to oneself.” Seems like there’s been a lot of controversy over this and marrying oneself has become more prevalent in recent years.

 

My friend was at the forefront of this movement and she had no idea. You go girl!

 

Here’s some articles just on that topic:

Beyond Self-Love: What Marrying Yourself is Really All About

Why Growing Numbers are Saying ‘Yes’ to Themselves

Why Women are Choosing to Marry Themselves

Sologamy: Why More and More Women are Marrying…Themselves

What is Sologamy, Where Did the New Wedding Trend of Marrying Yourself Come From, and How Popular Is It?

 

 

 

 

2 replies
  1. Jake
    Jake says:

    It’s so clear how much you work to love yourself. And how important it is to you to continue to improve in self-love and self-acceptance.

    I think a marriage to oneself, a celebration of oneself, is an amazing commitment to not settling. Because if you care that deeply about yourself, you won’t ever let something or someone in your life that doesn’t match that personal respect and love.

    As always, thank you for sharing your writing.

    Reply
    • PhoenixEmery
      PhoenixEmery says:

      It’s amazing how something that seems so simple and intuitive can be such a challenge. Battling those internal demons, those negative thoughts about oneself, takes a lot of work. For many, it’s easier to give in and accept those as truth, rather than slay the dragon of lies that threatens to devour us.

      Thanks Jake, for your kind words. May you too learn to love the gift who is you!

      Reply

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