Hello my Fledglings!

 

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve sat down and blogged. I feel some guilt that I haven’t kept up on my writing. My blog has been a way for me to process what’s going on in my life; a way to take me out of my story, instead of sitting in it.

 

Old habits die hard and through all the changes and loss these past 12 months, I’ve sat in my story for much too long.

 

Five years ago, my wife asked for separation. Four years ago, she asked for divorce. After all this time and energy, we will be signing papers tomorrow.

 

It’s time to become the observer and process what’s been going on so I can, once again, Rise from the Ashes.

 

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I was a bit busy this week working on the next step in my journey of healing. This is the piece that I’ve buried my head in the sand for so many years. My underlying philosophy has been, “if I don’t see it, it’s not happening.” Not the best motto to live by.

 

Come on Phoenix, you’ve been an open book Rising out of the Ashes for a couple of years now. What could be so difficult to look at that you haven’t already discussed?

 

Finances!

 

Ohhhhhh…..A wave of understanding washes over the crowd.

 

As Dave Ramsey would say, I have been “dumb, dumb, dumb” when it comes to my finances and I’ve definitely “made a mess” with my money. Yes, this will be a post for another time.

 

Needless to say, I missed my Wednesday Share Day Blog this week. There’s no “shame” in that. I’ve missed numerous Wednesday Share Days.

 

However, I received an email about a special event that was going to air on  Netflix at midnight. I didn’t take a nap and get up at 12 (like my younger daughter does for Riverdale). Instead, I ended up watching this special while at the gym this morning. And, in typical Phoenix fashion, I was taking notes in between sets.

 

This share can’t wait 5 days, so, I’m sharing it today, Friday!

 

Happy Fri-Yay!

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I woke up this morning with a realization. It’s been sitting under the surface of my consciousness for years. I just haven’t been able to truly see it. Or, maybe, I’ve kept the blinders closed up so tightly to keep me from seeing it. To protect myself.

 

Judgement.

 

You see, this is the root of all my anxieties. And those fears only became amplified in my marriage.

 

It all starts with childhood.

 

I had a grandmother who used shame to control her kids and grandkids. Common phrases said to my mom and uncles were “I do all this for you and this is how you repay me?” and “Kids are seen but not heard.” She was very dismissive about the emotional state of her family, while at the same time doing everything in her power to make our family look pristine and perfect on the outside.

 

I had a mother who was so worried about how the world (especially her parents) perceived her, that the message her little boy learned was he had to be perfect in everything he did. He learned that perfection wasn’t for him, it was to protect his mother from the shame and judgment she felt if he didn’t meet the family’s high expectations.

 

Add a biological father who couldn’t manage his own shame and fear of judgement, that he disappeared from this little boy’s life. Instead of being the father this boy needed, he ran and shirked his responsibilities.

 

Mix this up with a step-father who was physically and emotionally abused by an alcoholic father and who was forced to grow up fast to support his family in his pre-teen years. This man built an emotional wall of rage to protect himself from his own demons.

 

All this little boy wanted and needed was to be nurtured and loved. He had grand fantasies of becoming a super hero to save the world. He had a kinship with Bilbo and Frodo, because they too, were small, and yet they were large beyond their means. He had a vision to fly a 747. Not just any airplane, but the BIGGEST one there was. It wasn’t because he was vertically challenged that made him feel small. He felt small because the people around him never saw him.

 

He only wanted to be seen.

 

Judgement.

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