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You Can’t Hope and Grieve at the Same Time

(written 02-18-2017)

 

So many blogs, so little time.

 

Never thought, in my wildest dreams, I’d ever say that.

 

I have so many ideas that are percolating in my head that I want to talk about. I just don’t have the free time to get them out. Shoot, I haven’t even had the free time to start publishing my blogs.

 

Wait!

 

By the time you read this you’ll be like, “Hey, what do you mean you don’t have the free time to publish? I’ve already read over 20 of your blogs.”

 

I mean, as of this writing, I haven’t started publication yet.

 

Up to this point, the theme of my blogs remains the same: they’re a way of learning how to let go of my marriage, work through the grief of my divorce, integrate my adult with my inner child, and learn to love myself.

 

You’d think that learning to love myself would be the hard part. Nah. That part’s getting easier every day. I’m no longer engaging in the addictive behaviors I had before; I don’t even have those old thoughts.

 

Without all the lies, the guilt and shame of engaging in behaviors that go against my morals, the fear of getting caught including the high stress of juggling all my lies, I let go of a lot crap in my head. Not only is there a level of peace that comes from that, but there’s also an inner confidence and sense of love that I’m now becoming the person I want to be.

 

Every day I find more about me to love.

 

Unfortunately, I still struggle in one area of my life. Maybe the craziness thinking is normal for me, so I gravitate towards it. I cause it. It’s what I have always known.

 

I’ve normalized craziness.

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To Find Connection, I Must Remove the Poison – Part 3

(written 02-14-2017)

 

Five days ago, I worked on extracting the poison that has been toxic to my behaviors and not only harmed my marriage and my girls, but actions that have damaged myself to the core.

 

I grew up in a family where children were seen but not heard, where I learned not to trust others, and where I learned that it wasn’t safe to express feelings. I used the analogy in Part 1 that for me to heal, I need to stop attacking the leaves and the branches of my tree, but go all the way down to the source, right to the limb where my behaviors were learned.

 

The main issues I wanted to focus on were:

  • Being a surrogate spouse to my mother at the age of three, then having her emotionally leave me for a new man when I was six
  • My belief that to be connected as a family, my step-sister had to be there
    • that I wasn’t important enough to have my step-father, mother and I be connected as a family
    • the belief that I was a third wheel
  • Having a temper tantrum in my room, but no one knowing how to take care of my needs
  • My step-father’s unexpected and uncontrollable anger, rages, and outbursts
  • My Grandmother’s use of shame to control my family

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To Find Connection, I Must Remove the Poison – Part 2

(written 02-12-2017)

 

I know, I know. You’re here expecting to slash the machete through the thicket of my complex brain while we discuss my processes through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

 

Sorry to burst your bubble. Not today!

 

I learned something yesterday that I wanted to share first. It’s important, so bear with me. We’ll explore my jungle tomorrow.

 

I’m currently taking a course by Dawn Clancy called ACOA 101. Yes, I have numerous workbooks, podcasts, books, and a variety of other recovery resources I’m doing to really understand my internal pain and how to heal it. This has become my personal goal, my life mission so to speak. You’re just lucky enough to join me on this Rocky Road.

 

For some reason, I’m currently craving ice cream.

 

Anyway, what I just learned was, that as a child of a dysfunctional family, I was expected to follow three implied rules. These rules are explained in Claudia Black’s book, Children of Alcoholics: It Will Never Happen To Me.

 

The three rules are:

  1. Don’t Talk
  2. Don’t Trust
  3. Don’t Feel

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