I’ve identified the intense physical pain.

 

I feel it coming from my elbows, an electrical charge shooting down my forearms to the tips of my fingers.

 

My inner child screams, “Get it out! Get it out!” And yet, his screams are muffled under my adult curiosity.

 

I want to investigate. Understand what it is. Figure out what it means.

 

In the past, I’ve let him take control.

 

I will admit, running from these uncomfortable sensations to get them to stop is so much easier. I mean why would anyone subject themselves to physical pain?

 

I lie in bed trying to comfort my terrified little child. “We know what we need to do to help release this. Let’s try and figure out how to explain what is going on within us first.”

 

“Who cares! It hurts. Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!” Then under his breath, “it’s her fault.”

 

How do I say this gently without getting Little Phoenix so upset he takes over? He always blames her.

 

“The actions are the trigger. It’s nobody’s fault. We need to figure out what’s going on in our body so we can better manage this trigger.”

 

“I don’t know. And I don’t care. I just want it to stop!” Little Phoenix is pleading with me, begging me to do anything to stop this ache.

 

“We will,” I comfort. “Until we know more. Let’s be a scientist and experiment.”

 

“NOOOO!!” my little boy is getting ready to throw a tantrum.

Read more

(written 02-14-2017)

 

Five days ago, I worked on extracting the poison that has been toxic to my behaviors and not only harmed my marriage and my girls, but actions that have damaged myself to the core.

 

I grew up in a family where children were seen but not heard, where I learned not to trust others, and where I learned that it wasn’t safe to express feelings. I used the analogy in Part 1 that for me to heal, I need to stop attacking the leaves and the branches of my tree, but go all the way down to the source, right to the limb where my behaviors were learned.

 

The main issues I wanted to focus on were:

  • Being a surrogate spouse to my mother at the age of three, then having her emotionally leave me for a new man when I was six
  • My belief that to be connected as a family, my step-sister had to be there
    • that I wasn’t important enough to have my step-father, mother and I be connected as a family
    • the belief that I was a third wheel
  • Having a temper tantrum in my room, but no one knowing how to take care of my needs
  • My step-father’s unexpected and uncontrollable anger, rages, and outbursts
  • My Grandmother’s use of shame to control my family

Read more

(written 02-10-2017)

 

My blogging journey has been quite an interesting trek. I’m grateful that you’ve kept me company along the way.

 

I started a blog series two weeks ago titled Be Careful of What You Wish For. I finished Part 1 of that multi-blog series, and now, here I am, doing another multi-blog series on something completely different.

 

“Rafiki,” I protest. “I’m going to lose my readers.”

 

“Life’s a long journey, with problems to solve, lessons to learn, but most of all, experiences to enjoy,” Rafiki quotes. “True friends, your readers, will enjoy the adventure you’re taking them. Believe in yourself and trust that you’re going where you need to be.”

 

There have been so many important breakthroughs lately, that it’s important for me to continue this path a bit longer to help me get some clarity before trying to figure out what it is I want out of my life.

 

So, if you’re anything like me, and can only read a self-help book from page 1 straight through to the end, my deepest apologies for having you jump around on a sporadic slog through my emotional jungle.

 

But, if you’ve just joined me, maybe I’ve already finished that other multi-part blog series and you can have peace of mind by reading those in chronological order. Your choice of course.

 

But what’s the fun in that? (My ex would ask me what I’ve been smoking for that change in thinking.)

 

Today, I say, grab the machete and tough it out. Let’s go hacking our way through the tangled wilderness of my mind and see where we end up.

Read more