In typical Phoenix style, these collections of journal entries and eventually a meeting with Rafiki once again are long winded. I figured I could do this in two parts.
Looks like four parts now.
Hey, I’m trying to be respectful, so my Fledglings don’t get overwhelmed in one reading. Plus, I feel the need to give background to my thoughts when I sit down with Rafiki tomorrow since I haven’t connected with all you in such a long time.
If you’re jumping in at the middle, good luck. LOL!
The short gist: I dated a woman for 8 months, we were in a committed relationship for almost six of those months, and we just broke up 6 days ago.
I’m posting journal entries I had written leading up to the breakup followed by processing my break up with my girlfriend when I sit down with my favorite mandrill, Rafiki.
If you missed the first two parts, click here:
Disclaimer: All blogs I have written have gone through extensive proofreading, multiple additions as well as subtractions. Delicate care is taken to help them flow better for reading. These journal entries are ones I wrote in hand as the thoughts flowed. They may sound disjointed or bounce around like trying to dribble a football. Some areas have been cleaned up a little for clarity, however, 90% is in raw form. Basically, unedited free flowing thoughts.
February 4, 2024
I’m bummed. I just finished yoga on the beach and found out there was a 10K race in Waikiki. I would have loved to have run that. Dang it!
I’m sitting against a tree in the park overlooking a pond, watching the birds, while listening to the Royal Hawaiian Band.
I woke this morning at 4am after going to bed just before midnight. I did some good work on my non-profit event, finally getting the ball moving with that.
I tried to go back to sleep, but I decided that if I couldn’t sleep, working on this event would be the best use of my time. Be productive.
At 6am, when my alarm went off to wake me up to run, I decided to try and go back to sleep instead. My cough was starting to sneak in. It’s my physical warning that I need more sleep.
Going back to sleep doesn’t work. I can’t shut my brain off.
I decided to skip today’s morning run. Yesterday I had run a total of 8 miles, and it had been almost two months since I had last run. It would be good to take a break from running since tomorrow I planned to run to the top of Diamond Head so I could watch the morning sunrise from a different location. That would be a round trip of almost 11 miles.
The live band I’m listening to is fun. Upbeat and lively. I wish I could do my work for my non-profit out here, but I need an internet connection to do that.
This morning on my way to yoga I talked to my sponsee. As we chatted, I realized that I’ll have my recurrent training coming up around the same time as my non-profit event. I’m starting to get that feeling of overwhelm.
Studying for these recurrent events is stressful and takes a lot of my time. How am I going to organize an event, study for training, get taxes done, and do all this self-care?
Well, this did get a fire under my butt to stop thinking about what if’s and getting distracted in thought. It’s time to get up and work more on this event.
The rain starts to fall. Perfect timing.
I’ll see all parts of me tomorrow. Love all of you.
February 6, 2024
(Missed February 5th journal entry. I did run the 5.5 miles to Diamond Head to watch the sunrise. The picture above was from that morning. This next entry was done in my home with my girlfriend after we both did that amazing hour-long breath work morning Sadhana.)
Another interesting awareness on today’s practice. This was the same breath work that I’ve done twice and had the epiphany on the beach next to the aerobic yoga class. This time I did it with my girlfriend. I was worried about what she was experiencing. I haven’t done that since the first couple of times we did yoga together.
Halfway through, I found myself shaming myself for not suggesting this one earlier to her. Like right after I did it. “Go do this Sadhana! It’s amazing.”
I enjoyed it so much, I wanted to watch her have the same experience I had. I wanted to be a part of it.
What is that need?
What is the need to want to be with someone experiencing what really, they need to experience on their own?
Look at how much I’m in my mind and not present during this session. Maybe she’s in her head too?
Why do I do that? That need to be seen, loved, and validated by others?
That I’m okay when they are okay?
I know the answers, but I want to know how to let those thoughts go.
My therapist’s comment about me collecting wounded birds pops in my mind. Wounded birds need me. They won’t leave.
But don’t I say I want in my life someone who celebrates my completeness, not someone who completes me. And yet, I find that my subconscious actions show differently.
Anyway, we get to a point in breath work where I inhaled in the nose and out the mouth, then in the mouth and out the nose. My girlfriend and I are in rhythm, in sync with our breaths.
The sound of the two of us was like musical breathing harmony.
Then I took a short breath. That caused our breaths to fall out of sync. As she breathed in, I was breathing out. It was easy to tell because the breaths with our mouths were louder.
My mind pictured a sine curve. You know. The one from math class. Then I saw the double helix of a DNA strand.
I envisioned how when we are in sync, when the waves are overlapping one another, you see one curved line. The two lines become lost.
But when they split…Look at the beauty that comes out! Like snowflakes, each one unique and beautiful.
Even if the lines are slightly off and not looking like infinity symbols attacking one another (or dancing with one another), they have a beauty of their own.
You see each strand for who they are meant to be. Not enmeshed and hiding their individuality.
I realize that it’s okay to not always be in sync. That it’s okay for me to be lying on the mat in the backyard while my girlfriend makes coffee or does what she’s doing.
It’s okay that I’m journaling and may miss our morning readings together. (Although, that is a beautiful way to start my day with her.)
Well, the coffee isn’t quite ready.
Junior, John-John, Johnny, Little John, Ironman, and Phoenix. We need to stop trying so hard and realize that we are bountiful, blissful, and beautiful.
The gift is, that being with our girlfriend only enhances and celebrates all we already are.
By the way, it may be chilly but it sure is beautiful in my backyard. I need to spend more time here.
PS: I took a break to throw the ball for my dog in the backyard for ten minutes before grabbing coffee. This gives him a little connection that he needs. Stop ignoring the pup just because he triggers you! Play with him and learn to enjoy how much he truly loves you.
February 7, 2024
(This journal entry was written about 30 minutes before my girlfriend expressed her need to redefine our relationship. She does not want to lose our friendship, however, with two days of breath work focused on self-love and our readings this morning discussing the same topic, she explained to me that she has worked hard these past couple of years to love herself and needs to continue that journey.)
Another great session with this breath work Sadhana. I do love these!
First, I came up with a new mantra. When my mind wanders, I can say “Right Here, Right Now”. Think about the live version of this Van Halen song where Sammy Hagar says, “Don’t worry about yesterday, it’s gone. And tomorrow? Fuck tomorrow! All that matters is Right Here, Right Now!”
I need to put this on my motivational music playlist.
Right Here, Right Now
~ Van Halen
I need to use this mantra to get out of my Monkey Brain when it starts to get scrambled.
The other thing that happened was I decided to add my different inner children/parts of me to the song Bountiful, Blissful, Beautiful.
I am Bountiful, Blissful, Beautiful….Bountiful, Blissful, Beautiful I am.
I said “Junior” and the vision that came to my mind was my oldest daughter as a baby. I have so much unconditional love for my baby girl.
As I continued through my different names, I saw how much I loved that little girl through all stages of her life. Even when she struggled. Even as I see her struggle to love herself.
Why is it we can love our children with so much abandon, that when they make mistakes, we can let them go, and it becomes water under the bridge, but when it comes to us, we battle so many personal demons?
Why can’t we love ourselves as much as we love our kids?
When will I have that unconditional love for me that I have for my girls?
Is it possible?
To be Right Here, Right Now.
To stop holding onto all the past hurts and fuck the worries about tomorrow?
We are bountiful, blissful, and beautiful we are.
All parts of us!
February 8, 2024
I’m sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You. I Love You.
I realized today that I had abandoned my inner children. All of them.
Not only did we continue to pursue, I mean, I, John, the adult, continued to pursue a woman who we knew (I mean I knew) that eventually her career path would take her to places where she would be gone for weeks, if not months at a time.
In addition, I decided to become committed with someone who needs not a few hours to recharge her batteries or fill her bucket, but days, if not a week or more, of limited contact.
Is it wrong to want to say good morning and good night to the person you made the decision to commit to?
That is what she can’t commit too and why she wants the relationship redefined. I’m fighting in my head. Ugh! I haven’t been here in years.
I knew this would bring up old wounds and hurts. On every level my girlfriend and I are compatible except one.
On the scale of Maslow’s Hierachy of Needs we didn’t have the foundation of safety and security in place. That’s because what we needed for each other to feel safe and secure was 180 degrees out of sync. If it wasn’t trauma wounds that got triggered, maybe our relationship would have looked like the beautiful DNA strand I envisioned yesterday.
Junior, John-John, Johnny, Little John, Ironman, Phoenix. This was my fault I put you in this position and I’m so sorry.
There is nothing wrong with you! Nothing at all.
You are not a burden! You never have been.
You are enough!
You are loved by so many and have so much love to give others.
It was me who was not taking care of you.
And we can’t blame our ex. She tried. She gave us a valiant effort to step outside her comfort zone and everything she felt safe in. She has past hurts from her past relationships, and she put those aside to try with us.
On a bright note, her and I provided a safe place for our inner children to experience love again. What a blessing she gave us, and we gave her. And we’ve learned so much on this journey.
Just remember, the pain you feel is natural. It’s the normal part of grieving loss.
Like so many before, you won’t lose her friendship. It will just be different. And a deeper friendship than many of our other friends can attest to giving us.
I start singing in my head as the tears start to fall.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I’m found.
Was blind but now I see.
Boys, she opened our eyes. To see that we still have work to do.
What is the February morning sadhana called?
Breath Work to Remove the Veil of Illusion. The veil has been lifted.
It’s like rain coming but we didn’t turn on the windshield wipers. And when we turned them on, we can see clearly until the fog from the heat of the relationship started distorting our vision.
How do we learn to turn those wipers on when the first drops start to fall? How do we keep the window defrosted?
I won’t say I won’t fail you again. I’m human.
But I want to add another perspective. Why do I continue to tell you that I failed you?
This was a magical success!
We did not start this relationship in our addiction. We did not end the way we have in the past. And, we had one hell of an adventure!
So many places, so many different experiences. Someone who would dance with us, play with us, snuggle with us, do yoga and meditate with us, let us read to her, travel with us, have deep conversations with us, be present with us, love us, incredible sex, cook with us, cook for us, clean up with us, clean up for us, watch movies with us, travel across the country to be with us, open our eyes to see that sex does not have to be vanilla nor addictive… The list goes on and on.
The someone who meets all we’ve been looking for is a very rare gift.
Remember that for her to pursue her deepest dreams she had to make a difficult choice. She recognized that to continue with a long-distance relationship would only hurt her and all of you.
She came to help us transition from parent to empty nester. We came to help her transition from her safe Island Haven to follow her dream to travel the world.
Let us continue to find us.
Junior, John-John, Johnny, Little John, Ironman, and Phoenix…
Please forgive me.
I love you.
PS: The conclusion to this three part blog will be a multi-chapter series of blogs released every three days. The link to the teaser (you know, the summary you’d find on the inside book cover) and the link to Chapter 1 are listed below. Thank you my Fledglings for being my inspiration to help me process what I’m going through. May you continue to Rise from the Ashes daily.