In my blog yesterday, I Lost My Voice, I mentioned the book, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. This book was pivotal to my recovery!
I’ve been in recovery from sex addiction, love addiction and codependency for over ten years. As many therapists like to say, recovery is like the peeling an onion, every step of the journey finding out what’s underneath the next layer.
“Nancy!” My stepfather bellowed, “You have to do something about YOUR child! I will not have him whining and acting up in my house!!”
“It was our house first,” I wanted to scream from the safety of my bedroom. “You moved in,” I mouthed, defeated and withdrawing once again. It was better to stifle my anger, my pain, my sadness. It was safer to keep my mouth shut. When I spoke, I only enraged him, and he took it out verbally on my mother. At seven years old, I was the cause of all their fights.
I heard the change in my mother’s voice, the resignation, her sadness. I knew what was coming next. The slam of the front door, the squealing of tires, followed by a deathly silence for a couple of hours until he returned. I knew there was nothing I could do to care for my mother. She had already shut down.
It was different now.
She no longer needed me.
I squeezed my stuffed triceratops, hid under my blanket, believing if I had never been born, then my mother would be happy. He wouldn’t have anything to get mad about. He only lost his temper when I screwed up and when my mother rose to protect me; Mama Bear suppressed to silence.
Alone, scared, and craving to be held and nurtured, I cried myself, once again, to sleep.
Today marks the day President Elect Biden will take office. This is the historic day when we celebrate the transfer of power from one president to the next. This is what our democracy is based upon.
I pray there’ll be a peaceful change. I hope we, as a country, can learn what I had to learn in recovery. Such as:
“Let go and let God”
“One day at a time”
“Learn to listen and listen to learn”
“Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die”
“The path of recovery is paved with integrity”