I was looking through my list of share items. What do I choose this week? I finally found something that I wanted to share, got ready to start this blog, and then…they called to board my flight.

 

Ugh! Ok, I’ll have to wait until I land in a couple of hours.

 

I got comfortable in my seat, pulled out my cross-stitch and proceeded to hit play on the next Oprah Super Soul Sunday podcast playlist. For some reason, my finger hit the one after.

 

Tim Storey: How do you Turn a Setback into a Comeback?

 

It was the Universe at work once again.

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A week and a half ago was really tough. I relived the complete story about my marriage, my addiction, and my recovery with a fellow peer. It’d been a while since I re-experienced the full, detailed history of how my addiction shattered the three people closest to me.

 

As I remembered who I was and what I’d done, I could not understand why my former spouse and I still had as strong a friendship that we still do. I had to battle the shame and guilt that once again threatened to tear down my self-worth and self-esteem.

 

Using my tools, I was able to ground myself and stop the stories lies I kept making up.

 

That’s not always an easy process.

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If my Fledgling has identified him or herself as a sex addict in the early stages of recovery, I’m guessing you’d follow in my footsteps and leap to this page first.

 

“What can I do to fix my relationship?” was where I put all my energy in my recovery.

 

That mentality blinded me from being truly supportive towards my former spouse and, in many ways, worsened our chance of reconciliation.

 

In recovery, I still made everything about me and what I needed for me to feel safe; all at the expense of my former spouse.

 

Head’s up for the addict!

 

If you want to salvage your relationship, please read the following list of articles BEFORE you read this one:

Understanding PTSD

Sex Addiction Induced Trauma

More Trauma in Partners of Sex Addicts

Treatment for Partners of Sex Addicts

Understanding Your Partner

For The Partner

 

Now, if my Fledgling has identified him or herself as the partner of a sex addict in the early stages of recovery, I’m guessing that this is the last blog you even want to look at. I wish I could say, from my experience, that a relationship after betrayal can be salvaged, but unfortunately, in my situation, it wasn’t.

 

I’m grateful that my former spouse and I remain good friends and are on the same team as co-parents. Unfortunately, the definition of what I wanted “family” to look like is different than it has become.

 

I believe what hurt our chances to heal our marriage was that I never learned the concept of first triage for the partner, eventually followed by relational triage in our recovery. All I could focus on was skipping what she needed to heal and jumping to what I wanted; relational triage.

 

In many ways, our relationship became a power struggle. She needing to heal from the post-traumatic stress my actions caused, while I fought for our marriage as the only way to manage my own fears and my own insecurities.

 

Both of us were screaming for our needs to be heard, but we were deaf to each other because of our own pain. Read more