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I’m Going to Be a Dad

(written 03-07-2017)

 

I’m planning what I’m going to say as a speaker at an SAA meeting coming up in a couple of days. As I write down the history about my addiction, I revisit a memory I haven’t had in years.

 

My ex had found out that we were pregnant with our first child a little over 14 years ago. She tried hard not to tell me because she knew I was studying for my annual recurrent training. I used to get extremely uptight and stressed before oral and practical exams; not the best person to be around.

 

But she couldn’t keep this to herself.

 

We were playing Scrabble. I can’t remember the words she kept coming up with, but they were like: Dad, diaper, father, baby, crib. Something like that.

 

Each time she put down a word she had her mischievous smirk on her face. The one she has when she wants to tell you something, but would rather you figure it out instead.

 

I love that look.

 

Anyway, I stopped at one point and asked if she was trying to tell me something. Of course, all she did was smile.

 

I looked at the board. I looked back at her. I looked at the board. I asked if she was insinuating what I think she was insinuating?

 

“We’re going to have a baby,” she told me excitedly.

 

At that moment, my insides froze. I locked up. Other than going through divorce, I have never felt as much fear as I did then.

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On The Brighter Side…

It’s good to not only have a sense of humor, but to allow our inner children time to play. Connecting with our inner children allows us to be present in the world. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s connect and play today.

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I Love Me

 

It’s interesting to stand aside and just observe my emotions.

 

I lost my mother in 2006. For many years I’d hear a song, see a play, or think of something I knew my mother would like and I couldn’t control the emotions that took over. I’d easily tear up and feel my body transported into the pain I felt on the day I lost her.

 

That had been the same with my divorce. A song, a thought, missing my ex, just having the desire to talk with her and see how her day was, I’d go from happy go lucky to an instant mush of sadness.

 

Through recovery and the work I’ve done this past year, it’s been easier to manage my emotions. I feel them coming, I acknowledge them, I accept them, and I try not let them overwhelm me.

 

If they do become overwhelming, I let them flow, but I don’t sit in the emotion like I used to. I question it. I look at it from all sides. I investigate what the emotion is trying to tell me, ask if my story is accurate, and try to learn from it.

 

From this observing point of view, it’s cool to watch why I react the way I do. And it’s amazing that I can self-soothe and bring my emotional level back to ground.

 

 

Today I just had one of those experiences.

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