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I’m Going to Be a Dad

(written 03-07-2017)

 

I’m planning what I’m going to say as a speaker at an SAA meeting coming up in a couple of days. As I write down the history about my addiction, I revisit a memory I haven’t had in years.

 

My ex had found out that we were pregnant with our first child a little over 14 years ago. She tried hard not to tell me because she knew I was studying for my annual recurrent training. I used to get extremely uptight and stressed before oral and practical exams; not the best person to be around.

 

But she couldn’t keep this to herself.

 

We were playing Scrabble. I can’t remember the words she kept coming up with, but they were like: Dad, diaper, father, baby, crib. Something like that.

 

Each time she put down a word she had her mischievous smirk on her face. The one she has when she wants to tell you something, but would rather you figure it out instead.

 

I love that look.

 

Anyway, I stopped at one point and asked if she was trying to tell me something. Of course, all she did was smile.

 

I looked at the board. I looked back at her. I looked at the board. I asked if she was insinuating what I think she was insinuating?

 

“We’re going to have a baby,” she told me excitedly.

 

At that moment, my insides froze. I locked up. Other than going through divorce, I have never felt as much fear as I did then.

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Don’t Do it Charlie Brown

(written 02-20-2017)

 

The day after I wrote You Can’t Have Hope and Grieve at the Same Time, I’m complaining to Rafiki.

 

I tend to do that a lot.

 

Rafiki has been busy lately and he also hasn’t needed to whack me over the head. My therapist is doing it for him. And I do it now. I hear his thoughts, or what I make up are his thoughts, filter through my brain daily.

 

Not this morning!

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You Can’t Hope and Grieve at the Same Time

(written 02-18-2017)

 

So many blogs, so little time.

 

Never thought, in my wildest dreams, I’d ever say that.

 

I have so many ideas that are percolating in my head that I want to talk about. I just don’t have the free time to get them out. Shoot, I haven’t even had the free time to start publishing my blogs.

 

Wait!

 

By the time you read this you’ll be like, “Hey, what do you mean you don’t have the free time to publish? I’ve already read over 20 of your blogs.”

 

I mean, as of this writing, I haven’t started publication yet.

 

Up to this point, the theme of my blogs remains the same: they’re a way of learning how to let go of my marriage, work through the grief of my divorce, integrate my adult with my inner child, and learn to love myself.

 

You’d think that learning to love myself would be the hard part. Nah. That part’s getting easier every day. I’m no longer engaging in the addictive behaviors I had before; I don’t even have those old thoughts.

 

Without all the lies, the guilt and shame of engaging in behaviors that go against my morals, the fear of getting caught including the high stress of juggling all my lies, I let go of a lot crap in my head. Not only is there a level of peace that comes from that, but there’s also an inner confidence and sense of love that I’m now becoming the person I want to be.

 

Every day I find more about me to love.

 

Unfortunately, I still struggle in one area of my life. Maybe the craziness thinking is normal for me, so I gravitate towards it. I cause it. It’s what I have always known.

 

I’ve normalized craziness.

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