I received an email last week about a new book written by Robert Weiss. Robert Weiss is a “digital-age intimacy and relationships expert specializing in infidelity and addictions – most notably sex, porn, and love addiction.” 

 

I had the privilege of  seeing him in person a few years ago at a talk in my home town. He’s a recovering sex addict himself, a therapist who is CSAT trained (specific training for sex addiction), and also hosts an online sex, love and porn addict webinar every Friday night at In The Rooms.

 

Robert Weis has written a number of books about sex addiction:

 

A large part of my recovering journey has been to understand how my addiction affected my wife. It’s learning how my actions damaged her that allows me the empathy and compassion to understand her decisions and to be supportive when she’s triggered. I continue to look for new information about partners of sex addicts, not only to help me understand her, but to also continue to remind me that there are two sides to every coin. I wasn’t the only one in pain in our marriage.

 

Our recovery community has clearly changed viewpoints when it comes to treating the partner and Robert Weiss’s new book is the perspective my wife needed so many years ago.

 

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This week the World Health Organization (WHO) declared sex addiction a mental health disorder. In addition, WHO has also recently stated that compulsive video game playing is a disorder. And of course, this Wednesday Share day will be a controversial topic, especially since it’s been less than a year since the “Me Too” movement.

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If my Fledgling has identified him or herself as a sex addict in the early stages of recovery, I’m guessing you’d follow in my footsteps and leap to this page first.

 

“What can I do to fix my relationship?” was where I put all my energy in my recovery.

 

That mentality blinded me from being truly supportive towards my former spouse and, in many ways, worsened our chance of reconciliation.

 

In recovery, I still made everything about me and what I needed for me to feel safe; all at the expense of my former spouse.

 

Head’s up for the addict!

 

If you want to salvage your relationship, please read the following list of articles BEFORE you read this one:

Understanding PTSD

Sex Addiction Induced Trauma

More Trauma in Partners of Sex Addicts

Treatment for Partners of Sex Addicts

Understanding Your Partner

For The Partner

 

Now, if my Fledgling has identified him or herself as the partner of a sex addict in the early stages of recovery, I’m guessing that this is the last blog you even want to look at. I wish I could say, from my experience, that a relationship after betrayal can be salvaged, but unfortunately, in my situation, it wasn’t.

 

I’m grateful that my former spouse and I remain good friends and are on the same team as co-parents. Unfortunately, the definition of what I wanted “family” to look like is different than it has become.

 

I believe what hurt our chances to heal our marriage was that I never learned the concept of first triage for the partner, eventually followed by relational triage in our recovery. All I could focus on was skipping what she needed to heal and jumping to what I wanted; relational triage.

 

In many ways, our relationship became a power struggle. She needing to heal from the post-traumatic stress my actions caused, while I fought for our marriage as the only way to manage my own fears and my own insecurities.

 

Both of us were screaming for our needs to be heard, but we were deaf to each other because of our own pain. Read more