I wish I could say there are days where I don’t struggle. Where my thoughts are clear and I’m present in the Now all the time. Unfortunately, I’m not quite there yet. Well, not even close. I still obsess about negative thoughts. I still feel sadness and loss when I think about my marriage and pending divorce. I still long for the things in life that I still have trouble letting go.
I pray that someday I’ll be able to move forward in life without feeling like I’m constantly battling the negative self-talk that repeats in my head. The noise isn’t as loud as it used to be, and yet, it still has quieted down either.
Gratitude helps me live a better life. Gratitude makes the sharp cuts from my stinky thoughts feel more like a blunt butter knife rubbing against my skin. They remind me that life really isn’t that bad at all. When I look back at the year of all my positive experiences, I feel warmth flood through my body.
I’ve also added a new section to my weekly gratitude. I realize that through my recovery, I’ve focused so much on my childhood trauma and how that has shaped who I am today, that I’ve let go of the positive in my childhood. As a parent, I realize that I sacrifice a lot to do the best I can to give my daughters a good life. My parents and grandparents did the same. So this year, I hope to shape my thinking in a way that I have more compassion over how I was raised and see my childhood from the perspective of appreciation.
Here’s what I’m grateful for in 2019.