I wish I could say there are days where I don’t struggle. Where my thoughts are clear and I’m present in the Now all the time. Unfortunately, I’m not quite there yet. Well, not even close. I still obsess about negative thoughts. I still feel sadness and loss when I think about my marriage and pending divorce. I still long for the things in life that I still have trouble letting go.
I pray that someday I’ll be able to move forward in life without feeling like I’m constantly battling the negative self-talk that repeats in my head. The noise isn’t as loud as it used to be, and yet, it still has quieted down either.
Gratitude helps me live a better life. Gratitude makes the sharp cuts from my stinky thoughts feel more like a blunt butter knife rubbing against my skin. They remind me that life really isn’t that bad at all. When I look back at the year of all my positive experiences, I feel warmth flood through my body.
I’ve also added a new section to my weekly gratitude. I realize that through my recovery, I’ve focused so much on my childhood trauma and how that has shaped who I am today, that I’ve let go of the positive in my childhood. As a parent, I realize that I sacrifice a lot to do the best I can to give my daughters a good life. My parents and grandparents did the same. So this year, I hope to shape my thinking in a way that I have more compassion over how I was raised and see my childhood from the perspective of appreciation.
Here’s what I’m grateful for in 2019. Please join me every week and add what you’re grateful for in the comments.