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Don’t Do it Charlie Brown

(written 02-20-2017)

 

The day after I wrote You Can’t Have Hope and Grieve at the Same Time, I’m complaining to Rafiki.

 

I tend to do that a lot.

 

Rafiki has been busy lately and he also hasn’t needed to whack me over the head. My therapist is doing it for him. And I do it now. I hear his thoughts, or what I make up are his thoughts, filter through my brain daily.

 

Not this morning!

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You Can’t Hope and Grieve at the Same Time

(written 02-18-2017)

 

So many blogs, so little time.

 

Never thought, in my wildest dreams, I’d ever say that.

 

I have so many ideas that are percolating in my head that I want to talk about. I just don’t have the free time to get them out. Shoot, I haven’t even had the free time to start publishing my blogs.

 

Wait!

 

By the time you read this you’ll be like, “Hey, what do you mean you don’t have the free time to publish? I’ve already read over 20 of your blogs.”

 

I mean, as of this writing, I haven’t started publication yet.

 

Up to this point, the theme of my blogs remains the same: they’re a way of learning how to let go of my marriage, work through the grief of my divorce, integrate my adult with my inner child, and learn to love myself.

 

You’d think that learning to love myself would be the hard part. Nah. That part’s getting easier every day. I’m no longer engaging in the addictive behaviors I had before; I don’t even have those old thoughts.

 

Without all the lies, the guilt and shame of engaging in behaviors that go against my morals, the fear of getting caught including the high stress of juggling all my lies, I let go of a lot crap in my head. Not only is there a level of peace that comes from that, but there’s also an inner confidence and sense of love that I’m now becoming the person I want to be.

 

Every day I find more about me to love.

 

Unfortunately, I still struggle in one area of my life. Maybe the craziness thinking is normal for me, so I gravitate towards it. I cause it. It’s what I have always known.

 

I’ve normalized craziness.

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Resistance

The last few days I’ve reviewed and posted blogs I wrote eight months ago. These blogs helped me process the EMDR work I did surrounding my early childhood trauma. Rafiki not only challenged me, but gave me homework. What’s up with that? I think I give myself enough homework as it is.

 

In Part One of To Find Connection, I Must Remove the Poison, I explain what EMDR is, how it works, and identify my deep core issues that I needed to work on. In Part Two, I discuss what I learned during a course about Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families that gave me more detail about the issues I’m addressing with my EMDR work. And in Part Three, I discuss my first EMDR session.

 

As I was looking forward to the other entries I wrote at the end of February, I realize that I really don’t want to go any farther. I like where I am after my first EMDR session. I mean, I like how I finished Part Four of my series. But, I don’t want to recall my second session with my EMDR therapist and the subsequent four blogs I wrote around that sitting.

 

I mean seriously, can we just skip that one week of my life and forget the second session? Let’s just talk about the third session and call it quits, ok?

 

I take a deep breath, sigh, and pick up the phone. I’m not looking forward to this conversation.

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