Tomorrow will be one year since I packed my truck and moved away from my family.


I still feel pain when I think about that day. Although the pain is remote, lingering in the background, it’s still there.


A year ago, I felt crippled. The pain circulated through every cell in my body. Emotionally, I felt as if I was in a tornado, spinning around and around. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop the feeling that I was spiraling out of control. Two months later I kept complaining to Rafiki, I needed to stop the physical pain I felt in my body!


I felt alone. I felt insane. I couldn’t purge the feelings that radiated through me.


My abandonment wound was triggered and I couldn’t stop the bleeding. In fact, keeping with that analogy, instead of putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding, I kept cutting myself in other parts of my body. I felt as if I was going to die.

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I’m grateful for my writing. Many times, I start my blogs with the motivation to complain about things that bother me and I end up learning valuable life lessons instead.

I’ve felt off these last couple of weeks. I can tell I’m not grounded. My mind is jumping back on the hamster wheel and I’m noticing the tiger is lurking in the bushes once again.


One indication I know I’m off is due to one simple habit I now do (or stop doing). I track the food I eat on an app. Two years ago, this obsessiveness was done to lose weight. But lately, it’s become a way to keep me aware of healthy food choices and to recognize that the decisions I make about the kind of food I eat has a direct indication of where I’m at emotionally.


I find that if I’m tracking, even when I occasionally eat twice as much as I’m supposed to, I’m more present in my life. I’m grounded. I’m aware that when I eat unhealthily but I’m tracking that unhealthy habit, I’m consciously making this a choice.


It’s when I make the decision to stop tracking that I know I’m off emotionally. When I stop tracking, I allow myself to eat more sweets or carbs. I excuse myself thinking, “I can start tomorrow. I tend to lose the weight pretty fast anyway.” I see how I’m using food to manage my emotions.


This is human nature; to constantly have emotional struggles and the need to manage them. It’s how we manage them that is most important.


Years ago, I managed my emotions with pornography and sex.


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