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Do I Really Need to Pray to Forgive?

Tomorrow will be one year since I packed my truck and moved away from my family.

 

I still feel pain when I think about that day. Although the pain is remote, lingering in the background, it’s still there.

 

A year ago, I felt crippled. The pain circulated through every cell in my body. Emotionally, I felt as if I was in a tornado, spinning around and around. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop the feeling that I was spiraling out of control. Two months later I kept complaining to Rafiki, I needed to stop the physical pain I felt in my body!

 

I felt alone. I felt insane. I couldn’t purge the feelings that radiated through me.

 

My abandonment wound was triggered and I couldn’t stop the bleeding. In fact, keeping with that analogy, instead of putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding, I kept cutting myself in other parts of my body. I felt as if I was going to die.

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Take the Beef Off the Grill

I’ve felt off these last couple of weeks. I can tell I’m not grounded. My mind is jumping back on the hamster wheel and I’m noticing the tiger is lurking in the bushes once again.

 

One indication I know I’m off is due to one simple habit I now do (or stop doing). I track the food I eat on an app. Two years ago, this obsessiveness was done to lose weight. But lately, it’s become a way to keep me aware of healthy food choices and to recognize that the decisions I make about the kind of food I eat has a direct indication of where I’m at emotionally.

 

I find that if I’m tracking, even when I occasionally eat twice as much as I’m supposed to, I’m more present in my life. I’m grounded. I’m aware that when I eat unhealthily but I’m tracking that unhealthy habit, I’m consciously making this a choice.

 

It’s when I make the decision to stop tracking that I know I’m off emotionally. When I stop tracking, I allow myself to eat more sweets or carbs. I excuse myself thinking, “I can start tomorrow. I tend to lose the weight pretty fast anyway.” I see how I’m using food to manage my emotions.

 

This is human nature; to constantly have emotional struggles and the need to manage them. It’s how we manage them that is most important.

 

Years ago, I managed my emotions with pornography and sex.

 

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Father’s Day 2017

“Happy Father’s Day!” Rafiki beams, handing me a staff with a carved Phoenix handle.

 

“Wow. Thank you Rafiki,” I grin. “Why a staff?”

 

“This is a reminder that you are learning to walk alone. You don’t need me to whack you with the stick to teach you life’s lessons. You already have it up here.” Rafiki points at his head.

 

“Thanks to your love, support, and guidance.” I respond. “I wouldn’t be so knowledgeable if it wasn’t for you.”

 

Rafiki shakes his head, “You’ve always had awareness. You’ve always known how to parent Little Phoenix. You just needed to figure out how to access it.”

 

Father’s Day 2017 has been triggering and yet, I am better able to manage my emotions. As hard as I try not to think about it, I keep flashing back on Father’s Day a year ago. All I wanted was my family; the four of us to spend the day together.

 

Last year, that was a mistake!

 

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